I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that
course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I
had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're
definitely going to $+^= yourself' Texas road-kill chili. Tasty stuff,
although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a
written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both
of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
 
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after
two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing
happened. No 'Watson's Movement'. Despite the chilies swimming
their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the
usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder
and lightning'.
 
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just
when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and
supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first
all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about
dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the
opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.
 
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.
I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, #@*^, gotta go' pain that always
seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was
different. The chilies from the night before were staging a
revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through
the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines,
and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets
which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired a
warning shot.
 
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly
enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before
been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile
odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to
leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle
crop dusting through it, just as a orange aproned clerk turned the corner and
asked if I needed any help.
 
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his
reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to
dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions
emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at
least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk,
but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible,
and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all
he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand
there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying
to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible,
but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!
 
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things
'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw
an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were
so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other
aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and
firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It'
was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet,
again crop dusting the whole way, praying that I'd make it before
the grand explosion took place.
 
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john,
began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet
seat because my tushy is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow
walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of
'Shock and Awe'.. sounded like the shuttle at lift off, it even brought tears to my eyes.
 He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,
'Son-of-a-!@+#=!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', Holy nuts
 then quickly left.
 
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially
filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store
employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step
outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink
bomb in the store, or someone took a dump in one of the aisles,
we're searching now so be careful where you step till we find it.
 
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases
to escape me, a real ass flapper, The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling
his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing
manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then walked off returning moments later
with the manager. I  couldn't help it, at the check out I was still crop dusting.
As the poor check out girl gave me my change i could here her mumble  
something sure smells like nuts up here.I tried to keep a straight face and    
 just smiled as I left.

WOW My husband and I laughed at this story all night while sitting in a hotel waiting for Jet's Test and tune on Sunday.  Thanks for the laugh!!!!

That is the best story i have ever heard im still laughing

LMFAO